Swedish Ikealists

i wish i had a brain scan performed by the infamous douglas houser m.d.
of course the bill would amount to a pretty bad hang over.
no coffee for the boys, thats soho girl art stuff.
im doing okay. that me comforting myself. i dont know anymore really.
i ask myself the same fifty two questions, then add a few more as the days change.
what am i supposed to do - be happy? its tough when you think happiness
is one thing then it turns on you and leaves you in search of another.
im fantastic. sorry. just having a minor breakdown.
got a couch. me laura and paolo picked it up yesterday. from a friend.
got a rug from the swedish ikealists. now a lamp and maybe a tv.
im not sure if i will return for easter. unsure. ill let you know.
i was thinking about you the other night. of all the smiles you gave me and still do.
i thought about how you never wore a skirt. just kidding. i think of you everytime i see
a park. i miss sitting in the park.

With Hungry Cannibals

With Hungry Cannibals

Pretend it’s two years ago and we’ll go through this once more. You had apple-y cheeks and you were so funny I melted. When you made fun of me I wanted you. When you wanted me I had sex with other people. Pretend it’s two years ago. I got this. 

I’m taking stock and so far you’ve told me I look like:

Juliette Lewis
An extra on Modern Family
Angie Harmon
Kyra Sedgwick
Jenny Slate
Lana Del Rey

Pretend our chemistry is some electrical work and devote yourself. Do you hear how deep I breathe when I get your texts? You’re so funny your jokes slide inside me and I giggle and bubble and breathe and I burst. Did you hear how dirty that “lol” was?

Once you dreamt I was stranded on an island with hungry cannibals. When I called you, you told me to leave the island. But I refused so you had to come get me. “I don’t know why you were so hell-bent on staying”. When you came to get me I still refused to leave. I refused and refused until you were chased by cannibals.

I read in a dream dictionary that cannibalism symbolizes forbidden desire.

When I asked you to marry me I was serious. I’d like to be your bride. I’ll probably buy a flower crown from Stone Fox Bridal and we’ll get you orange cords and we'll dress from the 70's. Pretend I didn’t move to this coast and pretend you aren’t planning your life with her and plan your life with me.

Background: We're good friends. I like to think we're like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. We'll always be in each other's lives even when there are other lovers.

Hitch a Trailer

Hitch a Trailer

I miss you, small town boys. I miss your slang and your clannishness, your buddy jokes and the mild xenophobia that results from your overdeveloped sense of belonging. 

I miss the ritual of you, your quietness before my beauty, your calloused hands on my shoulders, the thickness of your arms around me. 

I miss your dust and boot leather, your thick canvas and industrial fasteners, the smell of the beer store and the clink of the bottles, your trucks that smell like hay bales, your collars that smell exactly like men. 

I miss how bewildered and newborn you look in a suit and a haircut. I miss your rough chins. I miss your casual speech, your muttered humor, and how you never know quite what to make of me. 

I miss being a spectacle to you, being with you and apart from you at once. My vocabulary, my obscure music, my overdeveloped sense of irony - whole big chunks of me vanish around you small town boys. 

I miss the confident way you swing open gates, carry large pieces of wood, hitch a trailer, pop open the hood for a look. 

And when you pull up the long lane home and swing your boots down to the dusty gravel, I am jealous of the big dog who ambles up to you, the big dog you touch like an old friend. 

 

Mon Amie

mon amie. 

“What is it that you spoke,

and lied to your heart

that is now beating in solitary?

Disguised feelings

like orange peelings!

But memory lingers

of a faint color on your fingers,

the hand covering a face

that is cold and shivers

at the palpable emotions

of silently trembling dreams.

I can see them

through the soft veil of pretense,

your long ago and half forgotten

Dreams.”

1, 2, 3, 4

1, 2, 3, 4

i search through seas of bright blue sequins and a perfectly timed dance number to find you

you tried to remember the steps in my kitchen as i poured us wine
the song played and you tapped around in your bare feet

you told me you were a dancer in her music videos. surprised i didn't already know
i tried to seem very nonchalant 
very whatever
very la la la about the whole thing

but then when you left my house
nineteen hours after the wine
and a ninety nine conversations and moments later
i opened my computer
on the futon by the plants 
and played the video three times in a row
so i could catch a glimpse of you
in your life
your other life. where you are a public figure
instead of being my private you...

there you were. 
1, 2, 3, 4
draped in red and smiling
a smile that has become as familiar to me as my own hands
a grammy award winning smile
i know you say the grammy's don't mean anything...but they made a smart choice

for that moment of you tapping around the kitchen
i felt so simple
so profoundly me. unimportant and small-shot me

but i know, that's the me that you love. 
outside of fame and big credits
my success or yours
we remain two idiot fools cuddling and chatting our days away
i wonder how long it will last before fame temps
before outside motivation steps in 
before a she more precious then me comes along

and takes all my insides away....

 

I smell the shirt

I smell the shirt

> Date: Sat, 30 Nov 2002 00:03:19 -0400
> From: XXX
> To: XXX

> Subject: I can't wait to Njoy you in person.

To my one and only. To my dove, my love. You are my sunshine my only sun shine you make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sun shine away.

>I love you with all of my heart. When we have bumps like we're having right now, I feel alone and scared. Last night, when I got off the phone with you, my heart was crying and my soul was hurting. I needed nothing more then a simple kiss, but when I looked over to your side of the bed, all I could see was an empty space.. a void. I reached over hoping it was a bad dream, but all I felt was my cold sheets on my fingers tips.

My heart yearns for you every day, and the only way it prevents it self from completely collapsing is the the anticipation of the next moment, the next breath, when I will be with you again. For you are my angel, my goddess. You do not realize it, and some times brush off things I may say about you, but I mean every word. Your beauty to me is infinite, inside and out. Your love is forever warming and makes me feel as if I were the luckiest guy in the world.

//---- My mom just called me, so it will take me a second to get back to my feelings, I don't know... I think moms some how, subliminally, make their sons not think of loving girls and they totally ruin the mood---\\

Anyway, I just want to get through these next couple weeks, because I am looking forward to this break more then you know!!! I'm so excited,, ooooh weeee, and I just can't hide it!!!! I'm about to lose control.....

I know that the near future will difficult and maybe even harder then hard times in the past, but this is only because we have grown to love each other so much, that we have certain needs and expectations, and when those needs and expectations are not met we are left unsatisfied. We must realize the real reasons for any hard times we experience and know that there is no problem with our relationship or our love. I want us to talk about any problems, though. tell each other when we want more, because to leave it, to try to ignore it, will only dig us deeper.

I love to love you. Please love to love me. and when you hear my voice, you should always be smiling.

Love me tender, love me true,

XXX

p.s. A little secret... every morning when I wake up, and before I get dressed I smell the shirt you left here to start my day off happy. I pretend you are here, in Halifax, but got up before me, and I am smelling the perfume you sprayed on your self that morning.

Your Jokes Slide Inside

Your Jokes Slide Inside

Pretend it’s two years ago and we’ll go through this once more. You had apple-y cheeks and you were so funny I melted. When you made fun of me I wanted you. When you wanted me I had sex with other people. Pretend it’s two years ago. I got this. 

I’m taking stock and so far you’ve told me I look like:

Juliette Lewis
An extra on Modern Family
Angie Harmon
Kyra Sedgwick
Jenny Slate
Lana Del Rey

Pretend our chemistry is some electrical work and devote yourself. Do you hear how deep I breathe when I get your texts? You’re so funny your jokes slide inside me and I giggle and bubble and breathe and I burst. Did you hear how dirty that “lol” was?

Once you dreamt I was stranded on an island with hungry cannibals. When I called you, you told me to leave the island. But I refused so you had to come get me. “I don’t know why you were so hell-bent on staying”. When you came to get me I still refused to leave. I refused and refused until you were chased by cannibals.

I read in a dream dictionary that cannibalism symbolizes forbidden desire.

When I asked you to marry me I was serious. I’d like to be your bride. I’ll probably buy a flower crown from Stone Fox Bridal and we’ll get you orange cords and we'll dress from the 70's. Pretend I didn’t move to this coast and pretend you aren’t planning your life with her and plan your life with me.

Background
We're good friends. I like to think we're like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. We'll always be in each other's lives even when there are other lovers.